He Never Crimps
by AllTimeNatalie
Summary: He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him.
1. Chapter 1

**DISCLAIMER: ****I own no rights to the Mighty Boosh or the characters. I basically own nothing in this story. XD **

**A/N: ****Hi guys, thanks for reading and please leave a review to tell me what'cha thought. Thanks. **

**SUMMARY: ****He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him**

**TITLE: ****He Never Crimps**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him. He's sitting silently in the corner, knees pulled up to his chest in a feeble attempt to hide away from the rest of the world but that's okay, he doesn't want the world to see him anyway. His confidence has completely shattered and now he's now too afraid to go to the Topshop 50% off sale. Howard sits next to him and he looks up, mascara lines clearly sliding down his cheeks as the solidified tears leave tracks down his porcelain cheeks.

"Vince, what's wrong?" Howard comfortingly places a hand on his shoulder but Vince flinches out of the way because he's afraid of anyone touching him now. Howard crinkles his nose with thought and leans over, pulling Vince back to his original position. "Vince look at me, what is wrong?" He can't speak. Memories of that night are still haunting him and unfortunately so are the bruises. He remains unspoken, pulling his t-shirt up to reveal his angular frame which is tainted by scattered bruises and cuts. He knows he cannot fix them, he cannot reverse time and be there for him and what's worse? He knows that this is all because he just wouldn't go out that night. Howard continues to make cups of tea and continues to play jazz at night in his and Vince's shared room whilst Vince is in the lounge but he knows, that old life they used to share is now just a remote fantasy and he cannot bring that back. Vince meanwhile flashes back to that time when his world crumbled like stale Rivita in his dreams. He tries to block that part of his life out but he can't.

"_Hey gorgeous, is your husband at home?" The taunting voices of drunken ramblers keep on rushing in his head as he too stumbles drunkenly down the streets. _

"_What? No, I don't have a husband thanks and besides, if I did he'd be watching the geography channel right now like he always does on Saturday nights with Lester Cornflake." Vince speaks like the drunken man knows exactly who Lester is but he has no idea. The last thing Vince remembers is being thrown onto a wall and feeling the blood from his slightly cracked head wound fall down his cheeks. The last thing Vince will remember about that night is screaming Howard's name into the night. _

He jolts up in his bed and pants before looking lover at Howard who is reading _Global Explorer_. He chuckles at the distant expression which is showing that there is something remotely interesting in that particular issue. Howard brings himself back to reality and looks over the book and smiles at Vince.

"Alright little man?" Again, he is hidden by his book but Vince doesn't mind. He simply nods, fully aware of the fact Howard cannot see him but his voice is still croaky from last night but one. "Vince, are you okay?" Again, he wordlessly nods and closes his eyes again. When day breaks, Howard is first up. He opens his eyes and blinks until Vince comes into clear vision and no longer is a blurry figure in a blurry piece of furniture. He smiles at the distance on his face and wonders just what it is he dreams about but he is not dreaming, he is having a nightmare which he simply can't wake from because when he does wake, he is faced by the same problems. Two hours later, Vince emerges out of his room wearing nothing but a thin Rolling Stones t-shirt and some jeans with converse. He doesn't see the point in getting ready in a morning so he just throws on whatever he can find.

"Morning." His voice is croaky and Howard realises this but not why. "Have you… had breakfast yet?" He has to take occasional pauses as he speaks because his throat is just that dry that he cannot speak.

"Umm no, Vince why is your voice so croaky?" He remains unspoken again, refusing to meet Howard's eyes. He accidentally leans on his biggest bruise and yelps in pain, Howard rushing to his aid, being the protective best friend. "Vince!" Howard screams but Vince ignores the strangled wail and focuses on keeping that night a secret because he knows how hurt Howard would be if he found out. "Christ Vince what happened?" Howard asks as Vince's shirt is pulled a little up as he tries to wriggle from his friend's grasp.

"Nothin' Howard just leave it will ya?" His voice is croaky, low and hurt by the questions he knows he cannot answer.

"No Vince, tell me what happened!" He is now shouting for the truth but it is inevitable, it's killing Vince inside.

"It was on Saturday night when I went out. I was walking back and these guys they… they attacked me, I blacked out and I don't know what happened from then on." Howard is so close to tears that Vince himself wants to burst out into uncontrollable tears himself. "I wanted to tell you but it… it was difficult." Vince is almost in tears; Howard takes it upon himself to be the rock, to be the strong one.

"Shh, it's alright. You're okay now and nothing else matters." He breaks the strict no touching barriers and pulls Vince into his arms because he may be hurting inside but Vince needs him more than ever and he cannot take those chances anymore to ruin it all.

"I'm no sorry Howard, I tried so hard to ward them off but I couldn't. I kept shouting you Howard, I kept screaming but you never came." Vince sounds desperate, desperate for forgiveness, for help but he can't seem to find it among the many thorns in his life.

"It's okay Vince, you have nothing to apologise for but I do. If I'd known, I'd have come and I'd have done something I promise." Vince nods into Howard's collar bone and reluctantly pulls away, making Howard meet his blue eyes.

"Howard, do you love me?" It's a question that he doesn't even need to think about anymore because he knows the answer off the top of his head.

"Yes, more than anything I love you. When I said it in the Tundra, yeah I didn't mean it. We were dying but now… I mean it more than anything." Vince's hair is now in Howard's face as he pulls him closer and clings to him for dear sweet life. He smiles against his friend's collar bone and yawns. He's shattered, he hardly slept last night so Howard stands up and helps him up too. "Let's get you to bed."

And that night, with the moon accentuating his face, Vince sleeps all though the night with Howard watching over him the whole time. When he's around, nothing back is ever going to happen to Vince again, once was bad enough and Howard is not prepared to let that happen again.

**A/N: ****Well, what did you think? Hope you liked it. :D **


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: ****I own no rights to the Mighty Boosh or the characters. I basically own nothing in this story. XD **

**A/N: ****Hi guys, thanks for reading and please leave a review to tell me what'cha thought. Thanks. This was going to be a one shot but I decided to continue so I hope it's worth while. :D**

**SUMMARY: ****He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him**

**TITLE: ****He Never Crimps**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

No matter how much he tries to hide it away he can't. He knows Howard loves him but maybe that was just a mask because of how broken he was. He doesn't know what to think anymore. So badly, he wants to think and believe that Howard will love him but he can't move that thought. Its okay at first, Howard acts like he loves him and Vince believes him. In a morning, he walks in and smiles, placing a kiss on his forehead and laughing when Naboo wakes up and walks in with his turban skew-whiff. But then he walks in and he ignores the fact he is there, he just sits straight down silently and sighs like he did when Lance first appears. He's part of the problem, he's always there just watching them and deciding on another ploy to destroy Vince's life that little bit more and crumble away another part of his heart. Sometimes, Vince wishes that he can just melt, melt into the ground so no one would ever do anything like that to him again even though Howard promises to protect him until the day he dies. He just wishes there is a potion, something that would reverse it all from his memory and that's when his mind strikes a brand new plan… Naboo! He can do something, he could do anything if he wanted to.

When he arrives at Naboo's room, he hesitantly knocks on the door and waits rather impatiently for his smaller friend to answer.

"Alright Vince, what can I do for you?" Naboo asks in a sleepy and distant voice.

"I was just wondering if you might have something to erase my memory of somethin' that happened a couple of nights ago." Vince's voice is almost at breaking point and tears are beginning to well up in his eyes. He is not sure when but he has cleared it that they will break free soon and when they do, his problems wont just be that he's feeling a bit depressed. Naboo already knows that something's wrong, he can sense it and he wants to help. He doesn't want to mention it in case it's a bad subject and he breaks down into irrepressible tears. Meanwhile, Howard is asleep, completely oblivious to the hurt and fear of breaking down that his younger friend is experiencing. He can't help; he could never help because he's always too late. He wants to help so badly but he just can't imagine that feeling of responsibility he needs to apply to help Vince pull through the animosity, he won't imagine that feeling.

He knows that his friend is fading. He has known before Vince knew and he wants to be there. He wants to be the person Vince screams for when he is in a time of need, he wants to be the one Vince needs and thinks of the most but he can't be. Vince deserves better, someone who will help him and be there and Howard cannot move this feeling of guilt. If only he'd known, he could've been there to tell them to 'piss off!' he could've mindlessly pulled Vince into his arms and tolled him that would be all right but he didn't.

And no matter how much he tries to hide it away he can't.

**A/N: **Please review and tell me what'cha thought. Thanks for reading it, means a lot to know you like it.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER: ****I own no rights to the Mighty Boosh or the characters. I basically own nothing in this story XD **

**A/N: ****Hi guys, thanks for reading and please leave a review to tell me what'cha thought. Thanks. This was going to be a one shot but I decided to continue so I hope it's worth while. :D**

**SUMMARY: ****He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him**

**TITLE: **** He Never Crimps**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

His trumpet hasn't been moved since Vince's accident. It won't be played until he is sure that Vince is better and Howard isn't sure weather it will be played ever again. He just can't bring himself to. Vince doesn't remember a thing about that night; He doesn't remember screaming Howard's name in one last desperate attempt to save himself. He doesn't remember Howard picking up all the fragile pieces left for him to pick up and fix. He doesn't remember being told that he is finally loved by someone who means it. They are all now locked away in an empty chamber, his memory. There's no love between them anymore that was something of the past, something Vince simply never will know happened. He will never know that anything happened; it's all in Howard's mind now, Howard's memory. Vince is asleep on the sofa with his head draped over Howard's lap. Howard's fingers are tangled in his black locks and he has a lustful smile hidden on his lips. Vince is like a kitten, curled up relying only on Howard's protection because he may have forgotten but he is still vulnerable to the rest of the world. He looks down at Vince's face. Vince, his Vince, the Vince he still holds a secret feeling for. Of course he cannot tell him that he loves him, twice was enough and he fears a third time may hurt too much for him to be forgotten again.

"You may be annoying but I love you, you little titbox." Howard's broken whispers don't form a sentence but broken words which are remnants of sentences formed in his mind. He can't remember when he and Vince first started falling apart. According to his memory it all started when the zoo closed and he became obsessed with jazz even more and Vince took an unhealthy interest in fashion. He missed the old Vince, the naive brown haired boy who seemed to find a way around everything. He has to admit that in the inner most part of his heart there will always be a place for his vain friend who dresses like a futuristic prostitute. No matter what he does or what he says there will always be a place for him.

It's silent in the room apart from Vince's soft snoring. Howard's eyes are beginning to feel heavy and begin to close when Vince's open. He smiles and sits up, lying the jazz musician down and sitting on the edge of the sofa near his head. He begins stroking Howard's hair, it's unbelievable how soft it is, he can't even feel it much. After a few minutes, Howard begins to shake and fight against the bitter air so his friend places a blanket over him. He lifts up his t shirt to find the bruises and scratch marks. He's unsure of how he got them but they are definitely there. The last week has been completely erased from his memory and it is as though he has slept through it all. He looks from the bruises, to Howard and back again before the nightmare begins to flow through his mind. When they laughed and wrestled him to the ground, when he screamed for Howard but he never came, when he pretended that it was all okay, they are now in his mind too and he remembers it all, he remembers that he loves Howard. Vince places his hands on his head and wishes that the throbbing pain would just leave him alone. Soon he is on the floor in the exact same position he was in that night. His mind has turned to mush and he can hardly breathe from shock. Tears freely flow down his cheeks and he cries himself to sleep once again.

Morning comes and Howard sits up on the sofa, Vince is on the floor. He looks down and smiles but his smile soon fades when he sees the smudged eyeliner tracks down his porcelain cheeks. Instantly, he's heart breaks and he kneels down beside him.

"Vince, Vince wake up." His blue eyes flutter open and he blinks so Howard is no longer a mere blur of a figure. "What happened?"

"I remembered." Vince simply says in a croaked voice from where he cried last night.

Howard's trumpet is still in the same place as it was all those nights ago gathering layers of dust. But Vince won't be the first to pick it up, he just won't.

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**A/N: **Did you like it? Well I hope you did and thanks to Chrissy-Koola for reviewing all the chapters and kbchick for reviewing chapter 1, I love you for reviewing. 


	4. Chapter 4

**DISCLAIMER: ****I own no rights to the Mighty Boosh or the characters. I basically own nothing in this story XD **

**A/N: ****Hi guys, thanks for reading and please leave a review to tell me what'cha thought. Thanks. This was going to be a one shot but I decided to continue so I hope it's worth while. :D**

**SUMMARY: ****He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him**

**TITLE: **** He Never Crimps**

**Bold=Howard **

_Italics= Vince _

Normal= umm… normal. Lol :D

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

"Vince! Vince get up!" Howard walks upstairs and pushes open the door to place his hand over his mouth and almost fall back. "Vince, Vince!" He shouts and circles the room. Where is he? Where can one man disappear to in an hour? Instantly, worry floods Howard's mind and he begins to pace up and down. Vince isn't safe outside, not yet. He remembered everything. He had struggled to get him to go to bed and now he'd gone walk-about? Mindlessly, Howard runs out the door, wearing his pyjamas in -1 degree coldness.

_I didn't know where I was going. I was going somewhere else. Somewhere I could get away and forget everything that happened again. I had to remember. I had to be the one cursed to a miserable life. My vision was blurred by tears. It was hard to see and I could feel dilute eyeliner drying rapidly on my cheeks. It was horrible, the feeling. Used. Lost. Unloved. I didn't exactly know what I was feeling but I presumed it was all of those wrapped into one whole feeling nugget which had been shoved down my throat. The stomach acid in my abdomen began to make me feel sick and my head felt light but I staggered to a back alley and leant against the wall. My head was now throbbing with unnatural pain, vigorous pain. It was too bad to be true. It was all a dream right? I had just fallen asleep and was in a dreamland. No. It was harsh reality. _

_This was no facade of feelings locked in a dream world, it was true and happening. The rain was pounding against me so hard it hurt. I couldn't hear anything but raindrops splattering the cold, hard gravel beneath me and I was blocking it. Everything hurt. My head, my legs, my feet, all of it, I could stand no longer so ignoring the rain and the fact I was wearing my best outfit, I slumped to the floor and grabbed my head. This wasn't fair, not right. It was like a screenplay, worked out and strategized. I had planned it out that I'd run away; hide somewhere no one could ever do anything like that to. It had been about half an hour when I heard a voice, a familiar voice… too familiar. I span around to come face to face with one of those ball-bags from all those nights ago. He had a devilish grin and I simply sighed. Vulnerability hit and I felt the same sensations as before, I hit my head on the wall and all faded to black. I lay there when he had gone, covered in my own blood. _

"_Howard!" I croaked before my head hit the floor a second time and I spiralled into unconsciousness._

**There was a figure on the floor in a dark back alley… the silver boots, the floaty blue caftan like top, the skinny jeans, I knew this person. Vince! I ran over and felt the tears well up in my eyes. Again I was too late. Again I had failed. Again I had let my one and only Vince Noir slip through my hands and fall to the ground. I forgot about the rain which lashed at me like a whip and soaked my hair and pulled Vince to my chest. He was covered in his own blood, his clothes, his body, his hair. All caked in it. Worry flooded me as I pulled him up and held him in my arms. I was the only one supporting him… ironic? I had let him down and now I was picking him up? Staggering along the rain covered streets, I lay him down in another back alley whilst I channelled more strength. There was an old mattress in the corner which was still usable so I placed him on it and sat beside him, running a hand through his blood covered hair. **

"**I am so sorry!" I screamed at the top of my voice to the high heavens. I didn't care that people were sleeping, I didn't care I sounded a complete nut-box, I cared about Vince. "I am so, so sorry and I should've done something I know but…" I fell silent again and dropped my head onto his chest. There was still time wasn't there? He would fine wouldn't he? "Vince? Vince?" I got no response for a while but soon he stuttered and stammered and formed a string of words. **

"**Howard, I… I… I love you." He wheezed and closed his eyes as I shook my head in disbelief. **

"**No, no Vince wake up. C'mon you little bitch wake up! Vince don't do this!" It was over. I had lost the battle to some morons who enjoy beating up people. It was hopeless… unless. **

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**A/N: **Hah! Cliff-hanger. Sorry but I won't keep you waiting long. Patience my reviewers whilst I write and then I will post. Reviews keep it going you know the drill so happy reviewing. :D


	5. Chapter 5

**DISCLAIMER: ****I own no rights to the Mighty Boosh or the characters. I basically own nothing in this story XD **

**A/N: ****Hi guys, thanks for reading and please leave a review to tell me what'cha thought. Thanks. This was going to be a one shot but I decided to continue so I hope it's worth while. :D**

**SUMMARY: ****He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him**

**TITLE: **** He Never Crimps**

**Bold=Howard **

_Italics= Vince _

Normal= umm… normal. Lol :D

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Mindlessly, I slump Vince over my shoulder and run for the living daylights of me. I was never good at running as a kid but I'm running at quite some speed. Perhaps it's because Vince is on the verge of death. He's tipping over the edge and there is one person I need, he's falling and I am going to be the one who catches him. The rain seems to be no predicament for me as I am just running. I don't know how fast I'm running, where exactly I am running to, I'm just running. The wound gets deeper; I know this because I feel the blood soak into my shirt and the smell… I'd recognise it. There's a trail behind me and it turns the rainwater crimson red… not good. So I try to pick up the pace but it's hopeless. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea and I start to feel dizzy. My breaths are short and loud, deep breaths as I re-catch my breath.**

**The thing which makes it so bad is that I know exactly why he left. He felt used, unloved, forgotten and left behind. I left him behind. I should have been there! If only I was there maybe it would've been different, maybe I wouldn't have this weight pulling me down, Vince's life was in my hands and that felt horrible. I want to be the knight who saves the day but I know that I may not be quick enough. When I arrive home, I lie him down on the sofa and rush to the red door holding me away from the man who can save Vince. **

"**Naboo! Naboo open up please!" When the shaman opens the door, I don't even crack a smile, I grab his wrist and I drag him over to my friend who has lost about two pints of blood already.  
**

"**Howard! What happened?" His lisp is loud and in a horrified shriek. **

"**I don't know but you have to help me please, I cannot lose him!" Bollo's out which is lucky as he'd be going mental and Naboo's searching his library of magic books. My hand is tangled with Vince's, I won't lose him… I am going to save him whatever it takes. **

"**Howard, I've found a spell!" I jump up with excitement and momentarily release Vince's hand from my grip. **

"**Well go on then, he's losing blood!" Naboo places the book on the coffee table and chants something in Latin, placing his left hand on Vince's hair. Soon, the blood begins to seep back into him and the colour flushes into his now rosy cheeks. He looks beautiful, utterly beautiful and I cannot imagine how I could have even come close to losing him. When his eyes flutter open, oh his eyes they are beautiful in every single way possible, I smile and sigh with relief. I don't know what it is Naboo did but I grab the shaman and trap him in a tight hug. Naboo struggles to pull away but I keep him enveloped in a hug so tight it hurts him. He saved him! He brought Vince back to life! He caught him when he was falling! When I do let him go, he shuffles away to his room and it's just me and Vince. **

**Before he can do anything or say anything, I pull him into my arms and crunch our lips together. I hold him in my arms for what seems an eternity. Vince… my Vince in my arms, held to my lips.**

_Was this happening? What was happening? Why do I feel like Jesus? Is Howard kissing me? Oh my Jagger he's kissing me. What do I do? Do I pull away and give a confused stare? Yes, I'll do that. I pull away and stare at him with a glance that portrays everything I feel. Confusion, happiness, joy, love, all intertwined in a glance so powerful that it holds Howard, captivates him as my blue eyes sparkle with the moonlight shining through the window. Then I remember. I tried to leave! Why did I leave a creature so beautiful, so amazing? I sigh and lea my head on his chest, wrapping my arms tightly around his waist. _

"_We almost lost you there little man." Howard smiles and I smile along with him. _

"_Yep." What would you do without me?" I ask in a naive and childish voice. He smirks and his lips touch mine again. I sigh contentedly, I'm home! For so long I wondered why my home is and only now I've realised that Howard's where my home lies? No, I knew it all along. Howard is my home, I can't live without him… I don't want to live without him. _

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

_**A.N: well, I hope you liked it. Thanks for all the reviews! They are amazing. Not sure weather to leave it here or not… I shall decide and maybe post another chapter, maybe not. Anyway, I luv ya'll for reviews and reading and fave's and alerts etc. **_

_**Luffles and Huggles, **_

_**~Mrs O.G xx**_


	6. Epilogue

**DISCLAIMER: ****I own no rights to the Mighty Boosh or the characters. I basically own nothing in this story XD **

**A/N: ****Hi guys, thanks for reading and please leave a review to tell me what'cha thought. Thanks. This was going to be a one shot but I decided to continue so I hope it's worth while. :D**

**SUMMARY: ****He never crimps, that's what worries Howard the most. He's not Vince anymore, he's anyone but, but Howard doesn't care because he can fix him**

**TITLE: **** He Never Crimps**

**o0o0o0o0o0o0o**

**Epilogue **

**One Month Later… **

The light shone through the curtains as Howard's eyes fluttered open and he smiled against the black mop of hair. Sighing contentedly, he shook the slender frame which was draped over him until they began to stir.

"Hmm?" Vince mumbled and looked up through tired, mascara encrusted eyes.

"Get up." Howard casually smiled.

"Oh Howard, five more minutes." Vince sighed and dropped his head back onto Howard's flannelette covered chest. "You're too comfy anyways." Howard tightened his arms around Vince's waist and slumped his head onto the pillows again. His brown flannelette pyjamas were brown and a dark contrast to Vince's light blue ones with sheep on them.

"Alright." Howard gave up and closed his eyes.

"Yes! Thanks Howard." An hour and a half later when they woke up, Howard was cooking breakfast whilst Vince got changed. Casually humming to himself, Howard placed the eggs and bacon on the plate and smiled with delight at how well it had turned out before placing four dishes on the table.

"Naboo, Bollo, Vince!" Bollo and Naboo sat down at the table and Bollo's eyes lit up when he saw the food.

"Bollo hungry." The gorilla smiled and took up his fork and knife before engraving his toast with his name. "Personalised toast." Bollo chuckled.

"Bollo you nutbox! You're meant to eat it not play with it." Naboo smiled and bit into the piece of bacon balanced on his fork. Vince appeared and smiled at the group then sat down at the empty place.

"Alright?" He asked and picked up his cutlery. "Here Howard, I was wondering if you maybe wanted to go to Camden." Howard wordlessly nodded. Since the accident, Howard had been going to Gary Numan conventions and shopping with him to get him back on track. Vince needed him and he was there all the time. He didn't want to make that same mistake he made all those months ago. When the plates were cleared away, Vince smiled and tangled his fingers in with Howard's. "Ready?"

"Yep, after you." Vince giggled and skipped merrily down the stairs. He always looked forward to Camden Market but Howard never went with him so this was sort of a special occasion.

"Yes! Bye guys." Naboo and Bollo both in unison said goodbye and watched Vince and Howard disappear into the cold air. They had never seen him so happy, Howard that is. He always moaned about how life is so boring and dull and now he had Vince in it, things just seemed to be brightening up. .

Now he always crimps, that's what makes Howard smile the most, when he sees him smile. He's Vince, happy, bubbly and amazing. Howard cares about him and he fixed him.

The End 

**A/N: Sorry this epilogue is so, so, so incredibly short but I couldn't think of what to write so I hope it'll do just as well! Anyways, hope you enjoyed it and thanks for reading and reviewing. **


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